So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
