Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
