Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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