I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
