Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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