I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
