atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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