Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
