fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
