I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
