im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
