Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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