She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my being single is dangerous.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
