i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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