and you said cock pushups were impossible
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
