Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
