why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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