6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
