Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
