remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize