My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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