Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
