There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
