Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
