all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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