I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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