awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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