I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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