remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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