My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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