This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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