Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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