Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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