Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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