have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
