nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you had me at cake vodka
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
