Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you had me at cake vodka
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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