life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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