I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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