nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
