great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
