We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dicks are not precious.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
