my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
