peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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