I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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