to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
