Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
