that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
