Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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