I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
