wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
