Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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