So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
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Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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