Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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