Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
