Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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