id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
