saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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