im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
did i just pee glitter
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
