omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
