he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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